Learning to Love the Water

Today we celebrated the feast of Pentecost and had our annual church picnic. Some of the kids went swimming and that just reminded me of all our years at the pool together. You magically knew if any child in the pool area had gum in their mouths...without looking sometimes. I remember those aerobics mornings when Schey was just a baby. I had never considered treading water for that long. I remember you letting Kiah take level one even though she was too young for it. You saw the swimmer in her. (she was the 4 year old who freaked people out because she would do a flip off the side of the pool and then, to their surprise, swim like a champ) I always looked forward to any of the Becks teaching my children. You all had such a magical way with them and were able to pull out the best that no one even knew they had inside. When Schey was in level 2, I think, she was so tiny. Keidi was teaching that day and got her to swim the width of the pool. I had tears in my eyes and was wondering why the rest of the pool wasn't cheering and there was no music because I felt like I was at the Olympics. I saw you with the reluctant swimmers and how you would calm them and help them learn to love the water. When Megan started she SCREAMED from Monday through Wednesday. I started to think I should take her out but you encouraged me to try one more day. Thursday was the day she fell in love with the water.

 

So here is the Lord, slowly coaxing you to Himself in these new waters. He is the instructor and He knows just how deep it is and how strong your muscles are. He is dipping His head in these scary waters and blowing bubbles with you. He is standing back from the side and asking you to jump to Him...He knows you can do it...and you know, deep inside beyond anything that makes sense, that He will catch you. He will take that little bit of faith you must feel you have and build on it with skill He teaches you one lesson at a time. He is teaching you to "love the water".

 

I love you friend!

Cause Me to Know the Way in Which I Should Walk...

I wrote before that my dear friend is dying.  We were, and are, walking buddies and while we can't physically walk together anymore we've been "walking" online since her diagnosis. I thought it fitting to put some of these "conversations" on the blog because she is an AMAZING mother and certainly strives to live a life pleasing to her Lord.   I wanted to share some of our "walks" as a reminder to me to put one foot in front of the other on my own journey and so I can say to my Lord,

"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You." Psalm 143:12

"It's a Corrie Ten Boom kind of day.

I say it's a Corrie Ten Boom kind of day because you have been called to do something very special and difficult and terrifying. Your story is in the public's eye as well. I love her story because she was honest and never knew how she was going to respond to each situation, but she, like you, was willing. Willing to take each step. Willing to crawl through despair. Willing to admit that you are, and always have been, powerless and the Lord really does hold the whole world (YOUR WHOLE WORLD) in His hands. I remember that Corrie and her sister Betsy found things to be thankful for...even the fleas in the barracks because the fleas kept the soldiers out so they could have at least a little peace.

It sounds like the Lord is giving you little bits of peace. It is incredible to read what you are accomplishing for one so sick! Today someone said something about your struggle being an amazing gift to all of us (here I go with another "I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings or make you depressed" thing). We are all walking to the arms of Jesus we just don't know when we will meet Him. Your journey, now more than ever, is showing us all how to walk that walk. Of course with all that is in me I want you to be well and I don't want you to have to carry this cross. I wish I could help relieve the weight of it! But what I see is you hefting that cross up on your back and taking each step. I see you perfecting your "technique" through the strength of Christ. Sometimes you have to rest, but you never put it down.

‎"Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie Ten Boom

Thank you for blessing us all with the strength for today and "bright hope for tomorrow". Thank you for accepting the Lord's faithfulness no matter what it may look like.

I love you!"

The Words of My Mouth

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord…”    –Psalm 19:14

When my children were little we received some tapes from a kind Mennonite group.  One tape had little children singing the above verse.  It was very sweet and surprisingly catchy.  I found myself humming it around the house.  It is a humbling verse because I know the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart are not always acceptable in the sight of my Lord.  I know I tend to react (or overreact) verbally when my children are misbehaving instead of heeding those teaching words of scripture.  I come from a long line of loud women…and I take full responsibility for my own tongue.

When my children were babies the words of my mouth would praise their every little action or sound.  I would babble right along with them and in their eyes I could see a real connection taking place.  It was magical.  Their whole bodies would show excitement at the sound of my voice when rescuing them from nap time.  My words were soothing and encouraging.  And then they got older and my words changed a bit.  There were many more commands and corrections.  The “bad dog” tone of voice showed up and they had to learn the new language of “no”.  As time went on I used a mixture of encouraging and corrective words, depending on the moment and, unfortunately, depending on the mood or circumstances of the day.  

I will own that I didn’t always seek to use the words the Lord would have me use to correct my children for their edification.  I didn’t always speak to my husband with kind words.  I was guilty of spewing out  poisonous words of nagging and manipulation.  I would see my children’s eyes gloss over when I would lecture, giving analogy after analogy.  It was hard because when I was encouraging a sister in Christ with an analogy they enjoyed them and would often comment later how something I had said had positively impacted their lives.  Thankfully the Lord didn’t allow me to remember what I’d said so I could not boast at my own wit or creativity.  What I failed to understand with my children, and with my Lord, is that listening needs to take place in order for me to know if my words are even necessary.  His words are a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path, not my words. 

“Our profit comes not from the quantity of words, but from the quality.  Sometimes much is said, but nothing is heard, and at another time you hear only one word and it remains in your memory for your whole life.” -St. Anthony

My girls are nearly grown and our words towards each other have changed.  Yes there are still corrections and commands but the volume is being turned down on my words and being turned up on theirs.  Pretty soon mine will be mostly muted as they enter into womanhood and, if the Lord allows, wife-hood and motherhood.  My words will be more "by request only" as I step back and watch them live their lives. I pray the words they retain from the years of words coming from my mouth are those of repentance, confession, prayer, forgiveness, mercy and any word that brings glory to my God.  And may the words they speak to their husbands, children and the world be full of the goodness of the Lord, in spite of the fallen state of their mother.

To God be the glory.  Amen.

--------------------------------------------------

To read more about how we use our words, check out these blogs:

• Cristina Perdomo (Orthodox Christian — Orthodox Church in America (OCA)) ofReachingfromadistance on Cement
• Dn Stephen Hayes (Orthodox Christian) of Khanya on What’s that you were saying?
• Susan Cushman (Orthodox Christian) of Pen & Palette on How We Use Our Words: “Christian” is Not an Adjective
• Katherine Bolger Hyde (Orthodox Christian) of God Haunted Fiction on Eat your Words

A Walk to the Finish Line

"I do so want God’s will. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else." ~Kh. Terry Beck

My friend is dying.  My strong, godly, amazing friend.  When I lived in California she was my walking buddy.  Up at 5:30 am she was my faithful companion, even when I wasn't faithful.  We had some great conversations on those walks.  We talked about memories, challenges, victories. We shared recipes, parenting tips, writing suggestions. 

Those walks stopped in 2008 when we moved to Colorado. THOSE walks stopped, but we did not stop walking.  We have continued to pray for each other and face challenges.  I've heard of victories, felt encouraged by her parenting tips and writing suggestions.  When she told me they saw a spot on her pancreas I had a sinking feeling.  I just knew it was going to be bad.  And it is. 

When she turned 50 she had a celebration of life as she embarked on the journey of being an "older woman".  Each person present told a story or shared how she had impacted their life.  Each of us had a rose which was place on a wire and the wire was turned into a wreath for her.  Well now she finds herself in the middle of life's greatest transition.  The body pleading to live and the will and mind learning to surrender to her God and Savior.  She has run the race, she has followed the path and though the finish line includes carrying that daily cross, I am confident she will be welcomed by her Lord.  He will say of her "well done my good and faithful servant".  In her lifetime she has taken the talents the Lord has given her and more than doubled them.  She has been the Proverbs 31 woman providing for her family and her husband is honored at the gates because of her.  She has been an amazing example of providing a home for the "fatherless" and caring for God's children.  She has rejoiced with those rejoicing and mourned with those who mourned.  She has been aware of her flaws and shortcomings and endeavored to repeatedly die to herself and follow Him. 

The Bible tells us to run with perseverance the race set before us. Usually I say we are running buddies in this race of life for the Salvation of our souls. In this case, due to pain and fatigue, we are walking buddies. If the walking gets too difficult I will crawl with her and when she can not move the prayers of all who love her will push her inch by in toward the finish line.

Dear Lord grant Terry the strength to endure to the end and like Aaron and Hur holding up the hands of Moses for Israel's victory, let us support her on each side with prayer until you call her home.  Amen.

Lenten Journey

Normally people look for things to "give up" during lent.  Chocolate.  Diet Coke.  TV.  Internet.  But sometimes Lent isn't about giving something up.  Sometimes it's about willingly accepting something.

For the last 3 weeks my youngest son has been struggling with insomnia, which means this momma is struggling with it too.  He wakes up between 2 and 3 in the morning with his body running at 150%.  He runs, jumps, rolls, yells and bounces on the exercise ball to get all of his energy out.  Somewhere around 6 am he passes out on the floor or the arm chair and wakes an hour later to officially start his day.   We've discovered that in addition to his sensory and auditory issues he has to try and handle a mood disorder (read bipolar spectrum).  All this resting on the shoulders of a 7 year old boy.  And the Lord has seen fit to call this unworthy mama and my wonderful husband to help carry some of his burden.  Of course I'd LOVE to enjoy a quiet moment without worrying if he's putting a hole in the wall or if the bomb is going to go off again.  Of course I'd love to sleep through the night again, but being the recipient of not only this precious boy but also the Lord's amazing grace...well...I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

O Lord and Master of my life!

Take from me the spirit of sloth,

faint-heartedness, lust of power and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility,

patience and love to Thy servant.

Yea, O Lord and King!  Grant me to see my own

sins and not to judge my brother (husband, children...);

For Thou art blessed unto ages of ages.  Amen.

Lord Have Mercy

"As soon as you notice in yourself any irritation, just say firmly, 'Lord have mercy.' With prayer we are purified from every defilement." ~St. Nektary
 
What a complete prayer!  Whether you are rejoicing or in great despair "Lord have mercy" says so much.
 
My eldest son has some huge challenges with control because much of his life has been out of control.  I posted the above quote in several locations in our home to remind us all to seek the Lord's mercy instead of seeking to control others through bullying.  At first he stomped around the house saying "Lord have mercy" making sure his words were heard by the offending sibling (or mom).  He pointed out that it wasn't working.  I suggested perhaps he should say it quietly every time he felt frustrated, not to control anyone, but to find peace himself. The result?  He stomped away asking God's mercy for his delusional mom :) 
 
But as the days went on something started to change.  Instead of using God's mercy as a weapon, he started to see the fruit of his efforts.  Though the behaviors of those around him didn't necessarily change, he began to change.  He was giving up his control to Christ and in return Christ blessed him with His peace. 
 
It was a miraculous 3 weeks.  His countenance changed and he seemed to actually enjoy life. Then came the challenge we all face...maintenance.  We all tend to stay focused and faithful in prayer when life is challenging, but as time goes on and we see the Lord work in our lives and the strain lessens we tend to say "Thanks God, I've got it from here."  It seems to go well for a while as we struggle to walk on water in our own power, but like Peter, we find when we take our eyes off of Christ we begin to sink.  We find ourselves right back where we started, and sometimes worse off. 
 
My sweet oldest boy has much to learn, much to heal from and SO much to give.  And this momma is still in the process of learning this same lesson.  So, we take a deep breath and whisper "Lord have mercy" as we continue to learn to trust that He really does know best and that perfect peace does not come from controlling the world and people around us, but by dying to self and becoming a servant to all. 
 
May the peace of Christ be with us all this new year as we learn to walk in His ways :)

Worshipping from the Narthex

It was a long but beautiful day.  Much cooler than it's been for weeks.  His Grace Bishop BASIL was in attendance and it was so sweet to watch him bless the children.  He's such a big papa bear with children, if that's okay to say:) 

The children played on the playground, drank too much soda and, most importantly, missed naps.  This last bit didn't matter much while the playground was available.  The children played happily enough, but then it was time for church. No more smiles and giggles.  Sweat and dirt streaked faces bobbling back and forth as unhappy children entered the sanctuary.  The sugar crash was beginning.  As the singing increased so did the siren like whine escaping our youngest guy's throat.  Little eyebrows knit together and nothing on the planet entertaining enough to occupy his exhausted mind. 

So off to the narthex we go.  Out to sit on an uncomfortable chair with an unhappy baby.  Yet the words "Lord have mercy" still reached my ears.  "Amen" still escaped from my lips.  I crossed myself on the inside though my hands weren't available.  And this little one absorbed it all too.  God's word says that His words will not return to him empty but accomplish the purpose for which it was sent (Isaiah 55) and I believe this happens for mamas in the narthex, or the cry room or anywhere else where we only hear wisps of the Word while tending our little ones. 

God is there, even in the narthex:)  He is still ministering to the mama soul tending the little ones He's given us.  He doesn't forget about us even there.  Enjoy those moments and as we sit on the outskirts let us rejoice in those inconvenient times.  When we can accept where we are, THERE we are worshipping our Lord.