Bringing Daddy Home

 During the summer I attended a meeting for a newly forming Christian school of midwifery.  It met at the home of a pastor who spoke before we got into the nitty gritty of the school plans and proposals. While I didn't agree with everything this pastor was talking about, and his Church history was a little inaccurate, I heard something that has changed the life of our home.  He talked about the benefits of running a family business.  This pastor has a radio program and does seminars.  His whole family participates in the events, setting and running their table/booth at conventions, producing audio seminars and packaging and shipping their family "merchandise" all over the country.  My first thought was, "yeah, that's nice for you, but I don't think we have anything our family could do."

 

Last summer, just before we went to visit my godmother for the last time, my husband sat in our house waiting for a phone call.  Work situations had changed and he was supposed to start wiring apartments and businesses for cable.  Each week the boss would tell him, "I should have something for you next week."  But "next week" didn't come.  He stayed behind while I journeyed with 6 children across several states and back, but still no work came. 

 

When I returned from California, we had no idea what to do.  I said, "I wish there were some home business we could do." He'd thought of that too, but couldn't think of anything.  I'd had an idea in the back of my mind for a number of years about doing a radio theater program for Orthodox children focusing on the Nativity of Christ, Pascha and lives of the saints. I presented this idea to him and he got excited.  In our family I am usually the optimist and he is the pessimist...or "realist", so for him to get excited was...well...exciting!  My husband is a musician and had been an audio/visual tech. at the Christian camp where we had worked in California.  He knew about running sound boards, recording, duplicating and packaging cd's.  He had resources for finding the right equipment to do sound recording.  This was right up his ally.  But the thought of taking such a huge leap of faith seemed impossible.  Just after we began to entertain these thoughts he received a call for a job with his boss' brother and so this idea was swept under the rug. It was a tough decision because this job meant my husband would have to work Sundays.  The relationships he'd been building at church would have to be put on hold, yet again, but he needed to provide for our family. 

 

After a few months with the new company it was clear this company cared very little for its employees, and very poor work ethic, which caused a lot of frustration and piles of stress. What we didn't know was God had a plan just around the corner.  My hubby plugged away.  We prayed. 

 

I went to the midwifery meeting and on my way home I lifted up that little rug the radio theater idea had been swept under and was met with several other ideas as well.  When I got home I presented some of these ideas to my husband and....HE WAS EXCITED!    We talked and prayed and thought and sought (counsel) and prayed some more.  The Lord opened a some doors, and even a few windows, and provided a way for my husband to come home to us.   

 

Since he's been home every on of our children has come to me (not sure why me and not Daddy...) and told me how much happier Daddy seems and how glad they all are that he's home.  And he IS happier!  He is working on our micro-farm.  He has built fences...lots of fences...built a goat pen, made a miniature coop for the chicks and fixed the chicken coop out at the barn.  He has dug and chopped and helped plant.  He has invited his children to help pull nails, build and be part of the birth of our family business.  He has set up and torn down our bread stand at the farmers market each week and made sure I get to bed at a decent time the night before.  He has purpose and, for the first time in his working life, enjoys his work.  

 

(had to include a picture of our goaties

 

We have no idea where this adventure will lead or if he'll have to find work outside of the family business we're endeavoring to create, but we are enjoying the time we have right now and we are so thankful Daddy gets to be home!   (I sure do love my amazing man!!!)

 

 

 

 



Pass the Baton

My godmama Terry Beck went to be with her Lord back in the Fall.  Many tears have been shed off and on over the last several months. Her picture is on our wall near the space we have reserved for prayer in our home.  She is on our list of loved ones we prayer for saying "remember in O Lord in  Your kingdom..."

When we became Orthodox she took on the great task of accepting the position of godmother for our little family (only 5 of us at that time).  She prayed for us faithfully over the years.  She prayed for my marriage, challenging life decisions, the emotional roller coaster rides with our children.  Her last words to me were, "I'll pray for you in heaven." 

As a fellow foster parent she understood completely the challenges that come with fostering and adopting children with difficult backgrounds.  She understood that even when I vented or cried over an incident I loved the work that we were doing with our bio, adopted and foster children and wouldn't change it for the world.  She laughed with me and cried with me through all of the craziness. 

When my two older boys started communications with their wonderful bio mom my youngest son felt really sad.  He was happy his brothers were able to get to know their mom, but he cried over the realization that he will not have that privilege.  Terry decided to fill in the gap and made sure to send him little "extras" from time to time.  She always asked about each of her godchildren and I know she prayed.

After Terry found out she was terminal an amazing thing happened that only God could orchestrate.  He found someone for her to pass the baton to for our youngest son. A wonderful woman at church, out of the blue, sent a gift to my son "just because I thought you might need some dinosaur stickers today." She isn't afraid of him or annoyed by him.  She is able to laugh with me and cry with me and, most importantly, pray to our Lord concerning him. 

A blessing was given today for another woman to "stand in" as godmother for my eldest daughter.  She was willing to take the baton...to continue the race begun by Terry...pray for my daughter and encourage her in the faith.  
 
"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" Philippians 1:6

It is so wonderful to be able to see how the Lord arranges things so that His work can continue in us.  We keep running the race and when we can't He provides someone to pass the baton to so that His work will be accomplished.  What a mighty God we serve. 

My Life as a Boneless Chicken

I read a very touching blog last week, when I was in the throws of CHAOS...ANARCHY...MENTAL BREAKDOWN!  I was so angry last week because of how crazy the behavior and verbal abuse I received at the hands/voice, of my eight year old son.  This woman was very candid with her life experience with a child who was my son times 100.  You can see her story here: http://www.scarymommy.com/threads/ .  There are times, scary times, in the lives of many mama's, when the challenges become nearly unbearable and that "line" we're not supposed to cross moves closer and closer.  

Sunday started the 5th or 6th day in a row of behavior issues and verbal bombs raining down on me.  Again I felt such anger welling up inside of me that I had to put myself on yet another time out.  I went to my husband and told him we had to do something different because whatever we were doing was not effective and I was afraid I was going to cross that line...the line that was now only inches away.  This particular child is like a superhero (or super villain, depending on the day) who gets his power from attaching himself to an electrical source, only in the case of my "superhero" he gets his power from attaching himself to whatever emotional charges he can manage to set off in those around him.  I cried a little and my husband held me. 

I headed off to my room for a little "laundry therapy"...folding in a quiet room really can be calming (with or without rubber walls)...and after calming further I was able to pray.  I affirmed that the Lord knows the children He has given us and that He knows I can parent these children in His strength.  Then I said something in my despair so utterly ridiculous I laughed out loud, "so apparently, Lord, You know something I don't."  HA! The Lord knows EVERYTHING I don't!    Perhaps that was where my real problem was hiding. From that moment on my perspective changed.  The emotional power surge was over and I was calm. 

The emotional release I experienced during my laundry therapy showed me the importance of boneless chicken.  When children are small and life isn't going their way and their parent tries to pick them up they have a way of going boneless.  They relax their bodies making the act of picking them up very difficult!  What would happen if I went emotionally boneless when my child started escalating?  What if I, like a Jedi, put a shield of prayer and calm around myself so I would not give in to the craziness of my son's moods?  Right then I decided I'd be a boneless chicken when verbally assaulted.  The most important thing is to touch the heart of my son, work through his intense emotions and behavior while maintaining peace in my heart and home. 

My life as a boneless chicken means my expectations have had to change.  The external things I hope to accomplish varies daily (cleaning, schooling) so I can discharge my emotional energy before my son has a chance to "power up".  He is met with a calmer mama and seems confused with his power source no longer available. 

So how has the week gone?  As he learns to cross over to a new, more positive, energy source we aren't getting a whole lot of school done, but he is spending a lot of wonderful time with daddy outside, building, running, climbing...sometimes wrapped in the parachute type ground cover from the tent on the roof of the clubhouse sunning himself.  The boundaries are still securely in place, it's just that I'm not being thrust against them coming out battered and bruised. 

O Father God, help me, your servant, to be faithful in the tasks You place before me.  Help me to be just as diligent in praising my children when their efforts are fruitful, as I am in training and disciplining them.  Show me daily how to run my race in the joyful service of others.  Order my time and priorities that every moment of my day and purpose of my heart glorifies You.  In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Taming the Green Dragon

My status update on facebook today read, "Okay, angry green dragon mommy has gone back to her cave and mellow joyful mommy is back...", so you know it's been one of those days. 

Why is it so much easier to have amazing perspective when we are on the outside looking in?  When we're in church and my son starts to act up or my two year old screams or stomps his feet loud enough for the church in the next county to hear, I immediately tense up and usher the offending child into the cry room or hallway.  But when another family's child is acting up or being unusually loud I smile sweetly and chuckle to myself.  For the mamas and little ones in other families I have all the patience and compassion, but my own children are often met with the Angry Green Dragon Mommy. 

Angry Green Dragon Mommy, or AGDM, looks like mommy, but doesn't act like the mommy I am aspiring to be inside my mommy heart.  I stiffen or scowl or lower my voice in disapproval.  I am acutely aware of the families with children who remain silent and standing throughout the whole church service and I imagine I'm the only one with the out of control children.  That's mistake number one.  I'm not alone!  YAY!  Just from the responses today on my status I saw clearly I am not alone.  Some of my mommy veterans, including my own mommy, were the ones chuckling and giving my a compassionate (cyber)smile. 

Thankfully AGDM doesn't stay around for long, though long enough to perhaps singe some feelings and burn some lumber from the relational bridges we've been building.  AGDM doesn't want to pray or seek wise counsel, AGDM wants to use strength and volume to make the "villagers" do what she wants before slinking back into her cave. 

In C.S. Lewis' book Voyage of the Dawn Treader, a young obnoxious boy, Eustace Scrubb, became a dragon and hated it terribly.  The transformation caused him to see how ugly he was on the inside.  He tried to remove layer after layer of his dragon covering, but each time he shed one layer he saw that another layer was waiting just under the last.  In desperation he allowed Aslan to use his sharp claws to cut through, ALL THE WAY THROUGH, to the little boy underneath all those scales.  Jesus wants to do that for all  dragons whether that dragon is an angry, hurting, defiant child, a spoiled adult or tired and frustrated mom.  He wants to cut through the layers of this AGDM to reveal the mommy He made me to be. 

I may have printed this prayer before, but I find it helpful when this mama is fighting that ugly AGDM!

Dearest Lord Jesus, show me how to be a loving mother to my children. You know the desire of my heart is to mother my children in a way that will draw them to You. Forgive my shortcomings and help me not to sink into despair, but to rise up in faith with the knowledge that Your holy power is strong enough to sustain me and guide me to be the mother my children need. Help me to be slow to speak, quick to listen and quick to forgive my children of their faults. Grant me Your vision for my children that I may know how to train, encourage and pray for them. For you are holy now and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Wholly Weak

Observation 1: Each year as we enter Holy Week, aside from all the funny looks I get from people when they hear we haven't celebrated Easter yet, I find the walk to the foot of the cross is up a very steep hill.
 
Observation 2: Some of my children don't like walking uphill.
 
Observation 3: Sometimes I don't like walking uphill!
 
Here we are with Pascha (Eastern Orthodox Easter) just a few days away.  This year has been extra hard for some reason.  My resolve to limit myself, follow the prescribed fasting regime and focus on Bible reading and prayer has not been strong enough to sustain me past the first week.  I mean, I kind of  limited my computer time...when I felt like it.  I avoided animal products...except when I didn't.  I read the Bible and prayed...every once in a while, or when my husband reminded me. 
 
Last night we attended the Holy Unction service with all the children.  We ruled the balcony:)  My youngest son and one of the babies sat with his "new" godmother (the wonderful woman who the Lord provided while his godmother was dying as the new prayer warrior for him on earth).  Because of this, the first twenty minutes of the service were lovely and I was able to do some soul searching.  Then my son needed to come sit with us again because his body was too bouncy from the grape soda he had found and consumed the night before. He was very upset that there would be no food after the service and informed me that FOOD was the reason he comes to church.  At this point we hadn't even made it back up the stairs to the balcony yet.  I went and got a picture book and two magazines from the church library and cloistered myself, with my son, in the cry room and read a story about a saint and some articles about missions while the Gospel reading came through the walls sounding much like Charlie Brown's teacher.   I missed the service, but I didn't want to miss the service. 
 
Holy Unction is when each person in the church is anointed with oil for spiritual and physical.  I know I have the need for healing and I get glimpses of that need when I humble myself.  But last night I felt like I kept bungee jumping off a cliff with no bungee cord, landing scratched and bleeding at the bottom and then climbing to the top to do it again.  The moments where I could be calm with my son I was climbing.  Then he'd do something inappropriate and I'd jump off the cliff.  By the end of the service I was "wholly weak".  I was starting to get it.  I have to be weak in order for Him to reveal His strength.  I know everyone knows this, even I know this, but when I get into this cycle it's hard to remember. 
 
These last few days are powerful!  We experience the betrayal and death of our Lord, we enter the tomb with Him and come proclaiming His RESURRECTION!
 
Dear Jesus, help me, a sinner!  I pray for Your mercy upon my heart as I face each person and situation.  You are merciful to me, unworthy though I am, and You provide the only peace that will truly calm my heart and mind.  Come to my aid, O Lord, so that I will not lash out at those around me. Remind me in those moments that it is You, not I, in control and that You, not I, have overcome the world. Oh Lord, help me to embrace becoming wholly weak so that I may receive the light of Holy Week! Grant me your peace and quietness of mind that I may surrender my will to Yours and live my life for Your glory.  Amen.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Aretha Franklin made sure that RESPECT would be one word everyone in America would know how to spell.  Back in 1991 I had the...uh...privilege to be a back-up "singer" for a white "Aretha" in a talent show at summer camp.  I can't remember why I was wearing tie-die, but I do remember brushing my hair into a huge afro that would have given Diana Ross a run for her money. 

I am smack dab in the middle of the tween years with my oldest son.  If he ever becomes a lawyer the world needs to watch out because he will be very good at what he does!  But as a 12 year old those instincts to argue and defend and persuade (and accuse) are not serving him as well as he'd like.  He is of the false opinion that he DESERVES respect no matter what he does.  In the quiet moments it makes for a fun quirky little story, but in real time it is quite a challenge!  It would be one thing if it were just his personality, but it seems entitlement is written on many of the young, and not so young, hearts I encounter today. 

My wonderfully brilliant son is of the opinion that my job as a mom is to answer his every question, which is usually a "gimme" question, and meet his every demand.  When I suggested that sometimes he is difficult to please he responded, "You don't try hard enough to please me."  At that moment I found myself cleaning one spot on the counter very hard and keeping my mouth firmly shut. 

Even when I was little, which was just a very few years ago :), I would never have thought to treat my elders with disrespect!  Partly because the one or two (or 20) times I tried I was met with "great resistance" in the form of a spanking or removal of privileges.  I knew that trust and respect were things I had to earn.  I know that when he is an adult, if he chooses to be disrespectful in the work place he will not last long.  But he doesn't have this life experience and when I "enlighten" him his response is a snarky, "I'll just get another job."

So what are we as parents to do when we discover that our children have contracted this disease of entitlement?  My first thought would be to cancel everything fun for the next 5 years and see how the kids like it...and maybe a Velcro wall to stick my children to allowing them undisturbed time to think about their life choices.  Instead I am trying to stay the course, become more consistent and stay calm because the labor pains are just beginning. 

Each child comes into the world through child birth.  It may be natural, at home, managed with pain meds or a through a C-section. Each teenager, or pre-teen in my case, begins the process of being born into adulthood.  As a mama I am experiencing lots of contractions and I know I'm not even to "transition" yet!  But those contractions are necessary for the birth.  Some births are VERY hard with many "complications".  Some are very calm until you get to the "ring of fire" where you think you're going to split in two.  But at the end it's always worth it!  So I am telling myself, "hang in there.  The work is hard, but keep just keep breathing and stay calm.  Work with the contractions and let your body do its work."  How does this translate into my present situation?  Well, hanging in there is very important.  Sometimes this requires support people to help through the contractions.  Breathing and staying calm are extremely difficult at times but necessary so I will have enough strength when it comes time to "push".  And working with the contractions allows me enjoy the experience regardless of the pain.

Do I do this all the time?  NO!  Do mama's always stay calm when they are in labor?  Ask Bill Cosby.  He's made quite a bit of money over the years answering this question!  It is in those moments during labor when we are fed up and done and ready to go home and refuse to have the baby that we realize that whether we fight it or not that child will be born so we hunker down and get back to the work of hanging in there some more, slowing our breathing an working with the contractions once again. 

I have come up with an acronym for respect  (just right this moment, to help me in my "time of need) as I begin to go through my labor!

R:   Repent - how can I expect my child to be repentant if I am not?


E:   Encourage - remember to be encouraging when your child does right


S:   Serve - whether it is through serving at a shelter or helping a family/person in need (or in your
      own home)  service often gives great perspective without you having to say a word.

P:   Patience - oh how I hate that word, but it's true.  Patient endurance as your child is figuring out
      the world around him is important for all involved so "growth" doesn't get stunted through
      angry frustration. 

E:  Expectations - Setting clear boundaries is important for your child so she knows what is expected
      and what the consequences will be (every single time) if the boundaries are ignored.

C:  Consistency - I am SO not good at this because I always have the next great parenting idea
      waiting off stage to be announced.  Finding something and sticking with it is important, especially
      in helping our children to trust us!

T:  Talk - respectful communication is very important in building meaningful relationships.  Having
      children with attachment issues makes it hard for this kind of communication to take place
      sometimes, but it's important to keep trying! 

Now, there are a few who might read this who have heard my woes, quite recently, and know how inconsistent, unrepentant, controlling and impatient I can be...don't laugh...this is part of working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

Now if I can only figure out how to work successfully with my mood disorder/ ADHD etc. etc. etc. son, I may win the Nobel Prize for Mama Awesomeness!  We'll work on that in another post ;)

Lord Have Mercy!

Giving Up...

We are told to never give up, or if you're a fan of Galaxy Quest "NEVER GIVE UP!  NEVER SURRENDER!" But as an on Orthodox Christian I am asked each year to do the very opposite.  I am supposed to "give up" and definitely "surrender".

Today is the first day of Great Lent for the Christians in the Eastern Orthodox Church.  One of my hopes for this season is to surrender my time so I can be truly present in my home and with my family.  I'm here, but I'm not always here.  My mind is wondering about this or that and I often take "just a moment" to look something up on my computer or phone.  All those moments stacked one on top of the other makes for a lot of time not in the present.  So I've decided to give up computer time when my children are awake.  I am leaving time to write and other business things I have to take care of online. I honestly didn't think it would be too hard, but I was wrong.  Any time we try to tell the flesh "no", we are met with resistance.  Even if it's something we don't really care about, as soon as we put up some boundary, whatever is on the other side of that boundary suddenly becomes valuable to obtain.

I was surprised at how often I wanted to reach for my phone today.  Okay, more horrified than surprised.  I wondered why on earth I needed to know so many, often unimportant, things.  Who cares?  Does feeding my impulse finding out the name and previous roles of an actor I can't place from a show we watched the other day benefit anyone else, or even myself?  Do I really need to know the majority of what I look up right this very moment.  No. 

In her book Who Is God? Who Am I? Who Are You? Dee Pennock does an excellent job describing the passions.  She says the passions are usually normal/good things that get out of hand.  For example: a camp fire, when camping, is a good thing, but a forest fire is not.  A stream is a good thing, but a flood causes extreme damage.  This book was written for teens, but I learned so much!

Lent is a time to purposefully face the forest fires burning out of control in our lives and turn to our Lord to extinguish them.  It is the time we acknowledge we are trapped on some rooftop in the midst of a flood so that our Lord can part the waters, command them to recede or teach us how to swim. 

There is a beautiful protestant hymn I used to sing in church.  The first two verses and chorus speak what my hope is this Lent;  full surrender to the One who gave Himself fully for me. I am such a weakling, but His strength is sufficient.  Praise God!

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

• I surrender all,
  I surrender all.
  All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
  I surrender all.

 

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

 

 I noticed today how much "me time" I desire and how I can justify that "need" considering some of the challenging children who live in my home.  Not to say in any way it is not beneficial to obtain rest and get recharged, but I am seeing now any "me" time is not for me anyway.  It is all His time. 

It will be interesting to see what I learn this season...what I allow Him to teach me.  May the Lord be glorified in all things and may we seek Him during this Lenten season and every day of our lives.  Amen!