R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Aretha Franklin made sure that RESPECT would be one word everyone in America would know how to spell.  Back in 1991 I had the...uh...privilege to be a back-up "singer" for a white "Aretha" in a talent show at summer camp.  I can't remember why I was wearing tie-die, but I do remember brushing my hair into a huge afro that would have given Diana Ross a run for her money. 

I am smack dab in the middle of the tween years with my oldest son.  If he ever becomes a lawyer the world needs to watch out because he will be very good at what he does!  But as a 12 year old those instincts to argue and defend and persuade (and accuse) are not serving him as well as he'd like.  He is of the false opinion that he DESERVES respect no matter what he does.  In the quiet moments it makes for a fun quirky little story, but in real time it is quite a challenge!  It would be one thing if it were just his personality, but it seems entitlement is written on many of the young, and not so young, hearts I encounter today. 

My wonderfully brilliant son is of the opinion that my job as a mom is to answer his every question, which is usually a "gimme" question, and meet his every demand.  When I suggested that sometimes he is difficult to please he responded, "You don't try hard enough to please me."  At that moment I found myself cleaning one spot on the counter very hard and keeping my mouth firmly shut. 

Even when I was little, which was just a very few years ago :), I would never have thought to treat my elders with disrespect!  Partly because the one or two (or 20) times I tried I was met with "great resistance" in the form of a spanking or removal of privileges.  I knew that trust and respect were things I had to earn.  I know that when he is an adult, if he chooses to be disrespectful in the work place he will not last long.  But he doesn't have this life experience and when I "enlighten" him his response is a snarky, "I'll just get another job."

So what are we as parents to do when we discover that our children have contracted this disease of entitlement?  My first thought would be to cancel everything fun for the next 5 years and see how the kids like it...and maybe a Velcro wall to stick my children to allowing them undisturbed time to think about their life choices.  Instead I am trying to stay the course, become more consistent and stay calm because the labor pains are just beginning. 

Each child comes into the world through child birth.  It may be natural, at home, managed with pain meds or a through a C-section. Each teenager, or pre-teen in my case, begins the process of being born into adulthood.  As a mama I am experiencing lots of contractions and I know I'm not even to "transition" yet!  But those contractions are necessary for the birth.  Some births are VERY hard with many "complications".  Some are very calm until you get to the "ring of fire" where you think you're going to split in two.  But at the end it's always worth it!  So I am telling myself, "hang in there.  The work is hard, but keep just keep breathing and stay calm.  Work with the contractions and let your body do its work."  How does this translate into my present situation?  Well, hanging in there is very important.  Sometimes this requires support people to help through the contractions.  Breathing and staying calm are extremely difficult at times but necessary so I will have enough strength when it comes time to "push".  And working with the contractions allows me enjoy the experience regardless of the pain.

Do I do this all the time?  NO!  Do mama's always stay calm when they are in labor?  Ask Bill Cosby.  He's made quite a bit of money over the years answering this question!  It is in those moments during labor when we are fed up and done and ready to go home and refuse to have the baby that we realize that whether we fight it or not that child will be born so we hunker down and get back to the work of hanging in there some more, slowing our breathing an working with the contractions once again. 

I have come up with an acronym for respect  (just right this moment, to help me in my "time of need) as I begin to go through my labor!

R:   Repent - how can I expect my child to be repentant if I am not?


E:   Encourage - remember to be encouraging when your child does right


S:   Serve - whether it is through serving at a shelter or helping a family/person in need (or in your
      own home)  service often gives great perspective without you having to say a word.

P:   Patience - oh how I hate that word, but it's true.  Patient endurance as your child is figuring out
      the world around him is important for all involved so "growth" doesn't get stunted through
      angry frustration. 

E:  Expectations - Setting clear boundaries is important for your child so she knows what is expected
      and what the consequences will be (every single time) if the boundaries are ignored.

C:  Consistency - I am SO not good at this because I always have the next great parenting idea
      waiting off stage to be announced.  Finding something and sticking with it is important, especially
      in helping our children to trust us!

T:  Talk - respectful communication is very important in building meaningful relationships.  Having
      children with attachment issues makes it hard for this kind of communication to take place
      sometimes, but it's important to keep trying! 

Now, there are a few who might read this who have heard my woes, quite recently, and know how inconsistent, unrepentant, controlling and impatient I can be...don't laugh...this is part of working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

Now if I can only figure out how to work successfully with my mood disorder/ ADHD etc. etc. etc. son, I may win the Nobel Prize for Mama Awesomeness!  We'll work on that in another post ;)

Lord Have Mercy!

Giving Up...

We are told to never give up, or if you're a fan of Galaxy Quest "NEVER GIVE UP!  NEVER SURRENDER!" But as an on Orthodox Christian I am asked each year to do the very opposite.  I am supposed to "give up" and definitely "surrender".

Today is the first day of Great Lent for the Christians in the Eastern Orthodox Church.  One of my hopes for this season is to surrender my time so I can be truly present in my home and with my family.  I'm here, but I'm not always here.  My mind is wondering about this or that and I often take "just a moment" to look something up on my computer or phone.  All those moments stacked one on top of the other makes for a lot of time not in the present.  So I've decided to give up computer time when my children are awake.  I am leaving time to write and other business things I have to take care of online. I honestly didn't think it would be too hard, but I was wrong.  Any time we try to tell the flesh "no", we are met with resistance.  Even if it's something we don't really care about, as soon as we put up some boundary, whatever is on the other side of that boundary suddenly becomes valuable to obtain.

I was surprised at how often I wanted to reach for my phone today.  Okay, more horrified than surprised.  I wondered why on earth I needed to know so many, often unimportant, things.  Who cares?  Does feeding my impulse finding out the name and previous roles of an actor I can't place from a show we watched the other day benefit anyone else, or even myself?  Do I really need to know the majority of what I look up right this very moment.  No. 

In her book Who Is God? Who Am I? Who Are You? Dee Pennock does an excellent job describing the passions.  She says the passions are usually normal/good things that get out of hand.  For example: a camp fire, when camping, is a good thing, but a forest fire is not.  A stream is a good thing, but a flood causes extreme damage.  This book was written for teens, but I learned so much!

Lent is a time to purposefully face the forest fires burning out of control in our lives and turn to our Lord to extinguish them.  It is the time we acknowledge we are trapped on some rooftop in the midst of a flood so that our Lord can part the waters, command them to recede or teach us how to swim. 

There is a beautiful protestant hymn I used to sing in church.  The first two verses and chorus speak what my hope is this Lent;  full surrender to the One who gave Himself fully for me. I am such a weakling, but His strength is sufficient.  Praise God!

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

• I surrender all,
  I surrender all.
  All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
  I surrender all.

 

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

 

 I noticed today how much "me time" I desire and how I can justify that "need" considering some of the challenging children who live in my home.  Not to say in any way it is not beneficial to obtain rest and get recharged, but I am seeing now any "me" time is not for me anyway.  It is all His time. 

It will be interesting to see what I learn this season...what I allow Him to teach me.  May the Lord be glorified in all things and may we seek Him during this Lenten season and every day of our lives.  Amen!

 

 

 

 

When Mamas Get Sick

I seem to remember reading somewhere in the Mama Handbook Revised Edition that mama's aren't supposed to get sick. Our job is to take care of our young ones when they get sick.  Sniffles and perhaps a slight cough are allowed, but full on flu or sinus infection or, in my case, strep throat!  I'm sure that's on the list of banned illnesses.

When my children are sick I pull out my "sickness bible" Smart Medicine for a Healthier Child, and usually whip up some concoction to bring "ancient" healing to my child. I mean St. Luke was a physician and I'm quite certain his medications could be found in his garden :) Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe in Western Medicine but I also believe in climbing the care ladder one rung at a time and not jumping to the top rung at the first sign of a non-emergency condition. Many times these lovely remedies work and that makes me feel like a capable mama. I try to pray for my sick children and anoint their heads with holy oil. It feels like a gift to me to be able to care for them. But when I'm sick I can't drag myself over to the bookshelf to look at the grown up version of the "sickness bible", I forget to pray and the oil doesn't cross my mind.

But what if this illness is part of what is necessary for my salvation?  What if this mama getting sick is really a gift?  How could that be possible you ask?  I'll give you a few examples.

1. This illness has allowed me to see what capable young adults my daughters are becoming.  They stepped up right away and have blessed me so much during this time!

2. Last week my 8 year old said he didn't know if he wanted to be a Christian anymore because after confession he always found himself doing the same wrong things just a few days later.  But during my illness he was the one who though to get the holy oil and add three capfuls to my water to aid in my healing.

3. My husband has had not one complaint about me being sick.  He doesn't grudgingly take on 9 kids (okay, only 6 count as "kids" anymore).  He looks at me with my Brillo pad hair and grungy clothes the same way he did on our wedding day.

4. I had to stop.  Yep.  I had to stop everything and humble myself and LET people take care of me.  I had to LET them bless me. 

Now, this is just a little illness and I know there are many a mama with chronic or even terminal illnesses but I did learn a lot.  The chapter in the Mama's Handbook needs to be updated to include the the verse about all things working together for the good of those who love Him.  The illness isn't what was good, but God took that bad thing and did work it together for my good.  When my friend was dying, the Lord brought her family together and worked in such a way that she, who had mothered many, was cared for so lovingly by her family.  God is merciful to us, even in sickness and for that, even with all the aches and pains, we can rejoice!

Tea Time at the Abyss

"Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it anymore, draw back a little and have a cup of tea" ~Elder Sophrony of Essex

Being a tea drinker I can certainly appreciate this quote. Being a wife and mother I can appreciate it even more. I have stood at the abyss of despair. I'm sure you can recognize the look if you take a moment. A face with eyebrows knit together indicating one more step will push that person over the edge. I have one friend who I can tell what kind of day she's having based on where she rubs her face. If she rubs her chin she's doing okay, but if she rubs her forehead she's standing with an emotional toe hanging over the cliff. It's always bad when I ask her how she's doing and she goes straight for the forehead and it's only 8 a.m. 

We do not want to take tea at the very edge of the cliff, but, as Elder Sophrony says, "draw back a little." But how does one accomplish this when you go to bed later than planned and the baby wakes up an hour later demanding attention and you know it's only a few short hours before your own personal tornado (the 8 year old) sounds the alarm to announce his arrival to the morning.  How do you stay in the present when it's a school holiday and you know the personalities mingling together throughout the day is more likely to prove explosive than enjoyable? 

My mother reminds me often that tea has a way of keeping you in the moment. It's not like coffee which in our society is meant to keep you always moving forward. Tea encourages the partaker to sit down and rest a moment. It is a sort of "reset" button for the weary.  If we push ourselves beyond what we can bear for the sake of being strong, we will fall over, teacup and all, and find staring up from the darkness of the abyss is far more terrifying than standing at the brink.  Let us step back and take tea together as mothers.  Of course we may not be able to sit at each others tables and sip a perfectly steeped pot together, but we can pray for one another and be an encouragement.  We can make a pot of gratitude for all the Lord has blessed us with and sip it throughout the day through prayer and the reading of His Word.  We can choose to face the difficulties, in the strength of Christ our Lord, and lay down the idea that we must somehow bear it all.  How freeing is that thought alone?! 

May we find a moment, or, rather, many moments each day to step back and drink in Christ for He promises to quench our thirst and give us His peace.  Thank God!

Pole Dancing!

So, dear friends, the appraiser came.  He was very nice and thankfully he has two sons of his own because my 8 year old followed him around the house with his mouth going probably two miles a minute.  My son showed the appraiser the plans we have for our micro farm and told him if he didn't score us well we'd end up on the street (thank you 10 year old brother!). It was amazing what my son fit into a 10 minute interaction.  Up to this point while he had been talking this poor man's ear off he had not said anything particularly shocking.  But we weren't finished yet.

I learned a lot about appraisals and how FHA guidelines differed from conventional guidelines.  I learned what a conforming window really meant and what actually counted as a bedroom.  We were almost free and clear but just as he was slipping on his shoes to leave my son said "I want to be a pole dancer when I grow up." WHAT?!  Then he added enthusiastically, "And my oldest sister told me she secretly wants to be one too!" The man just looked at me and smiled and told me it was okay before he headed out the door.  I asked my son if he even knew what a pole dancer was.  "It's someone who dances on a pole." Hmmmm.  "Like at the circus where they climb up and down the pole and do tricks?" I asked.  "Yeah, just like that!"  Of course the appraiser didn't get to hear that part.  All that poor man knows is that we are a extra large family with children who aspire to be pole dancers!

Thank you Lord for the innocence of my son!  I hope you enjoy this little chuckle today!

Happy Balemtimes Day!

It will start at 8:00 am tomorrow morning and be over by 8:30 am.  We are cleaning and dusting and painting, but somehow there are still finger prints and signs of eleven people living in our house.  Our appraiser comes tomorrow morning so we can, hopefully, refinance to lower our interest rate.  But how can we accomplish all we have to do? Just today there is occupational therapy for one of the two year olds, a visit for the 5 month old, a sick 17 year old, doctors appointment for the 8 year old, plus schooling at home and picking up from school.  There still needed to be breakfast and we must have lunch and some sort of edible something for dinner.

Today is Valentines Day and all this craziness is proof that there is love in my home.  When people think of the Valentine's Day kind of love it is usually the smooshy romantic gooey kind of "love".  Those can be very strong feelings but that is not love.  Love is cleaning the goobers out of my 10 year old's eyes and prying his eye open so I can administer eye drops.  It is holding the door open on a very cold day for my husband to be able to make accurate markings for the doggy door.  Love is my wonderful godly husband standing in the middle of a mess in the living room to pray and later taking the busy 8 year old with him to Home Depot so I can get more things done.  Love is my 15 year old burping a baby she knows will spit up on her and telling each of the little loud cranky two year olds that they're cute.  It is my 19 year old dropping her siblings off at school each morning and calling before she goes out to make sure we don't need help with something.  Love is my 12 year old taking a moment to tell his sister "good job" when she has gotten a good grade on her report or telling me I'm beautiful when my hair looks like a large brown brillo pad and I haven't showered in several days. And love is my 10 year old making sure his younger brother got a Valentine even though he doesn't go to day school.

I have a sign that says Love is Spoken Here...I always add "Loudly". Sometimes I forget what love looks like in the middle of all the chaos, but it is here and it is big and it sure is welcome :)

May your day be full of the LOVE of Christ!  And as my 8 year old says "Happy Balemtime's Day!"

"No Mama"

By obedience a man is guarded against pride. Prayer is given for the sake of obedience. The grace of the Holy Spirit is also given for obedience. This is why obedience is higher than prayer and fasting. (St. Silouan the Athonite, Writings, XV.4)

"No throwing." I say calmly.  My two year old narrows his little eyes, pulls back his little hand and without taking his eyes off of mine defiantly launches the toy phone over the gate to the tile floor below.  I walk over and open the gate. "Pick it up" I say quietly.  No movement.  "Yes Mama" I prompt.  "No Mama" he replies.  I crouch down at his level and look in his eyes.  "Yes Mama" I repeat.  "Yes Mama" he finally concedes.  It is quite a fascinating, sometimes frustrating, thing to watch a two year old exert his will. It may be cute on a two year old but and eight year old, twelve year old, twenty year old...not so much.

 I have always thought we must look like that little defiant two year old to God and I think it's usually not until you are a parent that you understand the importance of obedience. Before I had children I couldn't understand why my mom made such a big deal over me being a few minutes (or hours) late.  I didn't understand the importance of cleaning a bedroom that was just going to get messy again anyway. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I understood the verse that says obedience is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22).  Within two days of my first child being born, I called my mom and apologized for all the stress I'd put her through in my life.

How do we teach our children obedience?  Partially through raising them up in the "training and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4) but also by example.  How can we expect them to obey if we do not first model it through our own joyful obedience to the Lord and by honoring the authorities we have over us. Obedience is so much bigger than a clean room or being on time. Our training is not only to have a more peaceful home, but our homes are the "bootcamps" the Lord has provided for our children so when they are finished they will know Who they serve and they will know how to obey His commands to fight against the enemy of their souls.  

O Lord my God, fill me with Your love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control and mercy as I train my children to be obedient to me, and more importantly to You.  Instruct me in denying my own will that I may walk in obedience.  I confess I rely on my own mind and my own understanding often and attempt to train my children in my own strength.  Forgive me and be a bright light to my path, take me by the hand and lead me to walk in humility so my service to You may benefit my children.  Amen.