Detached

I was 15 years old.  I had just gotten home from school.  No one else was home yet.  It wasn't unusual for me to have difficulty finding things...I've never been a naturally organized person.  Normally I would have given up looking, but I just had this...what was it?  It wasn't a sense of urgency, more a feeling of determination.  I felt kind of bad that I didn't know my dad's phone number by heart.  We hadn't talked in about a year, maybe more.  My parents divorced when I was 8 and I had seen my dad once when I was 12.  Why did I care about calling him?  We weren't particularly close.  Most people would assume I wouldn't want anything to do with him.  As I looked for his phone number I realized I had a choice.  The choice wasn't who God had allowed to be my father.  My choice was whether I was going to have a relationship with this man or not.  No one was forcing me to and no one would think badly of me if I didn't. 

Where was that blasted number.  I put it somewhere safe... It took about an hour.  Toward the end of my search I decided I did in fact love my dad.  I trusted my God with my heart and I figured He could work things out between the two of us.  I decided to have no expectations and let our relationship be whatever it was going to be. 

Finally the number!  Now to find the phone...  I dialed the number and my dad answered after the second ring sounding slightly out of breath.  "Hi dad."  I said casually.  "Why did you call me?!"  What a strange question.  He repeated, "Why did you call?  Why did you choose to call right now?"  I was slightly taken aback.  "I just felt like talking to you."  We talked for a only a minute or two and he told me he'd call in a few days.  What I didn't know was that in a room somewhere in Washington DC sat my father holding a gun.  He had made his own decision.  He had decided his life wasn't worth living.  He held that gun and told God that he was checking out of this world and if God didn't want him to He'd need to let him know. He held that gun while I was looking for his number.  He asked that question when I was dialing the phone. 

My father, Dale Harold Woods, passed away last Thursday.  He was 66.  When I was little the Lord provided a "stand in" for my dad, my grandfather William James Johnstone.  When my grandpa died he received my "daddy feelings" because he was a daddy in my life.  When my own father was dying I didn't know exactly how to feel.  What do you do when those feelings reserved for your daddy were used on someone else?  I cried when I found out he was in hospice care.  I mean I sobbed.  I sobbed because I knew the man who'd always been bigger than life with his deep booming voice was small and frail who always reminded me of a mixture of Bill Cosby and Morgan Freeman, who always had a dream to accomplish something great, who was still working out his own salvation...this man had wasted away to a mere skeleton of what he used to be.  He was small and frail but hadn't lost any of his spirit.  Why was I crying when I didn't really feel anything?  It felt like any and all tears I'd been storing up regardless of the reason, were all deciding to come out at once.  I prayed a prayer for the dying.  I asked God to reveal to me if I had any anger, bitterness...anything I might have been holding against my dad so I could repent of it and offer my prayers with complete sincerity and love.  The next morning I learned my father had died. I didn't cry, I had already used up my tears and chosen to embrace the will and grace of God.

I've thought about a lot of things since my daddy went away.  I thought a little about what I didn't get to experience with him, but I thought more about  how thankful I am that we at least had some sort of relationship.  We didn't have what could have been, but we never do in any relationship.  I got to hear his voice.  I got to talk to him for weeks before his death.  When he got remarried I received the gift of friendship from his wife and her three children, three new siblings I didn't know I needed, but who are part of me now.  I had the opportunity to see him interact with his grandchildren a few years ago and I received healing by seeing how far the Lord had brought him.  He was still very hard headed and stubborn, but he showed a real interest in his grandchildren and an appreciation for who they were as individuals.  He freely gave them what he had in his heart (my brother does this whenever he visits as well...it is a gift he received from his father). 

Life can be hard and seem very unfair. We don't always get what we hope for or desperately desire from human relationships.  They can be very hurtful and confusing.  My father had many issues before I was born, in my young childhood and throughout his life for many many reasons.  He burned many bridges.  But he always wanted to follow the One Who could rebuild bridges.  Having children with trauma and attachment issues I have, I think, a better understanding of what my dad had to overcome to function at all.  And while I don't feel an attachment to him as my daddy, I am thankful that he existed, that we communicated, that we kept trying and most of all that he kept striving. 

Let us not live in bitterness but let us embrace love and through God's perfect love participate in forgiveness.  God's love is big enough.

As with the appearance of light, darkness retreats; so, at the fragrance of humility, all anger and bitterness vanishes. (St. John Climacus)

Help Wanted

You might not know it, but I kinda have anxiety when I have to put myself out there and ask for things.  Suddenly I'm a five year old child standing in a room of well educated adults trying to communicate and failing miserably.  Of course, this may not be the reality, but that's how I feel inside.  I'm going to do it anyway :)

I am working on a free project for Orthodox families and I need pictures...LOTS of pictures.  I am looking for pictures of prayer corners and pictures of children praying, lighting candles, kissing icons, crossing themselves etc.  I would love candid photos if possible. 

If you are interested please email me at theasceticlivesofmothers@gmail.com

Thank you so much...now I'm going to go hide in my closet!

The Dead Shall Arise

Fr. Matthew Baker, Presbytera Katherine and their 6 children.  Memory Eternal!

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel a close connection to a situation you've never experienced or a person you've never met?  We can feel that what when we watch the news or listen to a friend who is a great story teller invite you into a conversation, event or even introduce you to a "friend" making you feel as though you've known them a lifetime. 

Two weeks ago I met a family.  Unfortunately the "meeting" took place under very tragic circumstances.  Fr. Matthew Baker was killed in a auto accident as he was traveling home in the snow with his 6 children on the Sunday of Orthodoxy.  I saw the gofundme campaign on facebook almost immediately after the accident and started praying for this family.  I was amazed as I saw the outpouring of love and compassion toward the Bakers as people from far and near sent their words of encouragement, prayer and financial support.  

In one of the updates Presbytera Katherine shared a very honest question:

"Because of our lifestyle of poverty I am sure we were preserved a hundred times from such calamities and tragedies over the years. But the mystery is why this one was allowed to touch us. Why just now? Why just when he was beginning to do what he had set out to do? I don't know. But I hope that it will become clear in the future."

This is a family that trusts God with everything! This tragedy makes no sense to anyone, but God knows all!  I am struck by how many people this blessed man and his family have touched over the last 20 days.  According to gofundme alone there have been 14,000 shares and 6113 people stepping up to help financially.  All of these people have been pulled into a very intimate conversation with the Baker family.  We have been allowed to weep with people we've never met.  We have been invited to scuff our knees on their behalf.  We have met someone we may not have met under other circumstances.  Not to say that God wanted tragedy to hit this family, but it is further proof that truly ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I was blessed to see another thoughtful post by Presbytera Katherine:
 
"Yesterday morning, early I was working at the computer in my husbands office when I heard little feet running toward me. My four year old ran in the room and looked around and then looked at me happy and expectant: "Did Daddy rise from the dead?" and I responded as I have several mornings since the accident, "No, not today but he will. It will seem to take a long time to us, but he will." completely undaunted he smiles and saunters out. I suddenly realize that each morning he has been looking for the resurrection of his father. The story of Christ's resurrection is so real to him, he sees it as something that could happen any day and probably in the morning. I suppose we could smile at his immaturity but I wonder if that is not the better attitude to have. Maybe this is what Christ meant when he said that we must, "become like a little child."

Oh the faith of a child!  This four year old has no doubt whatsoever that his daddy will rise from the dead.  The faith of this little one is encouraging the faith of thousands. And we will wait with them for that blessed day when Christ calls us to Himself.    As Presbytera Katherine says, "It will seem to take a long time to us, but he will [arise]."  In the Canon of Holy Saturday we sing, "The dead shall arise, those in the tombs shall awake, and all those on earth shall greatly rejoice." Let us not forget to pray for this dear family!  They have become "friends" and as Christians we really are family. 

Here is a link to their campaign please consider sending support in the form of prayer, words of encouragement and financial gifts if possible.  Raising 6 children won't be easy!
http://www.gofundme.com/nizf2g

Terms and Conditions

I had a child write a contract today regarding the use of their kindle reading device.  As I typed up the modified agreement I admit I got a little carried away.  I thought of all the times I seem to have to reiterate the known rules and regulations of our home.  I decided to write up the specifics.  This is for my benefit as well. My goal is to be a calm mama. I'm certainly not there, but hopefully tools like this will help me to establish calm in my heart and home a little more each day.  Let me know what you think. Do you have anything like this in your home? What have you found to be successful?

House of Boyd

We are Christians first, above any clan or personal preference. If the God of the universe can humble Himself to save mankind – we, His creation, can humble ourselves to serve one another in peace and kindness.

Clan Boyd: Confido – Confidence

1 John 3:21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God.

These are the expectations for the children within the Boyd family

1.      Privilege: Advantage; favor; benefit. As a participating member of the House of Boyd, children will enjoy a number of privileges directly influenced by his willingness to participate as a trustworthy member of our family. 

a.      This includes but is not limited to: approved video games, modified bedtime, “playdates” or overnights with approved friends, school activities, extracurricular activities, access to some movies not enjoyed by younger brothers due to age/ability, inclusion in family outings, dinners, birthday celebrations, “dessert date night”, game night and other privileges enjoyed by family members in good standing. 

b.      Boyd children will never lose the right to physical and emotional safety, food, shelter, clothing, education and appropriate sleeping conditions.

c.       It is completely in each child’s power whether they participate in the privileges available to them as a member of the Boyd family or not.

2.      Obedience: Compliance with a command, prohibition or known law and rule of duty prescribed; the performance of what is required or enjoined by authority, or the abstaining from what is prohibited, in compliance with the command or prohibition. To constitute obedience the act or forbearance to act must be in submission to authority; the command must be known to the person, and his compliance must be in consequence of it, or it is not obedience; obedience is not synonymous with obsequiousness; the latter often implying meanness or servility, and obedience being merely a proper submission to authority. That which duty requires implies dignity of conduct rather than servility. obedience may be voluntary or involuntary. Voluntary obedience alone can be acceptable to God.

a.      Our goal is to act with kindness and love in all things.  If someone makes a reasonable request we should do our best to honor that request with kindness.

b.      Boyd children will be expected to obey requests given to them by Mom and Dad.

c.       Mom and Dad will NEVER ask them to do anything illegal or immoral. 

d.      Some requests may not be part of Boyd children's personal preferences, but they will be expected to respectfully respond and execute request. 

e.      Requests are expected to be executed in a respectful calm manner, without argument or complaint.

f.        If an older sibling is left in charge obedience and respect are expected to be shown.  The sibling in charge is expected to be kind to children being cared for.  As long as the sibling in charge is not asking supervised children to do something dangerous or immoral, obedience is expected.  Any grievances will be reviewed upon the return of the parent.  If supervising child is found to be in the wrong there will be restitution. 

3.      Respect: That estimation or honor in which men hold the distinguished worth or substantial good qualities of others. It expresses less than reverence and veneration, which regard elders and superiors; whereas respect may regard juniors and inferiors.

a.       Boyd children are expected to treat members of the House of Boyd in a respectful manner. 

b.      While Boyd children are not expected to be “happy” about frustrating situations they are expected to speak in a calm manner or ask to be excused until such time as they are able to return and address family members in a respectful tone. 

c.       We are aiming for mutual respect, which is not to be confused with equality between children and parents or equality of privileges between older and younger children within the home.

d.      Parents have a higher level of authority and responsibility than children.  It is the God –given responsibility of the parent to love and nurture children within the family, but also to train and discipline when discipline is required. 

e.      Respect includes respect of persons, property and rules of the House of Boyd.

f.        We encourage the respect of persons, property and rules in and out of the home but adherence will be fully enforced within the House of Boyd. 

                                                              i.      Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, thankfulness, and self-control are encouraged without any boundaries.

                                                            ii.      We reject any form of lying, stealing, destruction of property, blasphemy, foul language, coarse joking, purposefully inflicting physical or emotional pain on oneself or another person.

4.      Grievances: That which causes grief or uneasiness; that which burdens, oppresses or injures, implying a sense of wrong done, or a continued injury, and therefore applied only to the effects of human conduct; never to providential evils. The oppressed subject has the right to petition for a redress of grievances.

a.      If Boyd children feel they have been ill used, wrongfully accused or would like to petition for a change of rule they may request to be heard AFTER request has been respectfully carried out.

b.      If Boyd children feel they are being wrongfully accused they may ask if they can speak in their defense. 

c.       If a Boyd child or the other party is “heated”, communication will be deferred until such time as both parties can speak together in a calm and respectful manner.

5.      Discipline: To instruct or educate; to inform the mind; to prepare by instructing in correct principles and habits; as, to discipline youth for a profession, or for future usefulness. Our job as parents is to set an example of Christ in the home, to love unconditionally and to discipline consistently. 

a.      We are not perfect, nor do we expect our children to be perfect. 

b.      Discipline is not intended to inflict pain or suffering, but to serve as a strong deterrent from dangerous, destructive or immoral behavior and to ultimately encourage a change or turning of the heart toward Christ. 

c.       The discipline may benefit our household for a time, encouraging peace within the home, but the purpose is for a lasting understanding of the love of God and the hope of Salvation. 

d.      Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who are trained by it.

"That One"

It is a phenomena I have seen in many homes where children dwell.  I've seen it in homes with many children and homes with few.  I've even seen it in single child homes.  It seems in nearly every home there is that child..."that one" who has the amazing gift of button pushing.  "That one" who can take you emotionally from 0 to 100 in no time flat.  "That one" may be the one who always leaves things out, always breaks things, always complains or always ________________.    "That one" may be the instigator of every argument, the captain of chaos or the lord (or lady)  of lies. "That one" who always does "that thing" on purpose! "That one" who wants everything and seems to appreciate nothing.  "That one" may often make a mama question why she didn't think to become a nun instead of having children.  But "that one" is necessary for our salvation.

Hopefully I don't look like this, but I sure have FELT like this!!!

Even with the great trials that come with being the mother of "that one" there are a great many blessings as well, if we choose to see them.  "That one" helps us to realize that we truly are powerless and God is all powerful.  "That one" is part of the cross the Lord allows us to carry so there can be less of ourselves and more of Christ.  "That one" helps us to realize that no victory is too small to acknowledge.  "That one" helps us to learn that the fetal position in the closet is not as effective as prostrate at the foot of the Cross.  Yes, we may be white knuckling it with some of the kids we have in our homes, but we learn to hold on more tightly to Christ. 

Now, "that one" may not always be the same one.  In my home it seems the baton gets passed around.  They run relay sprints while I am running for distance.  It can be exhausting.  It can be depressing.  It can be the very thing that helps us to draw more closely to THE ONE who understands the hearts of our children and our mama hearts, THE ONE who can bring healing and comfort in the middle of all the craziness.  He is THE ONE who can mend and heal and calm and show us the JOY and LAUGHTER and LOVE that are available even when every button is pushed and every resource seems to be depleted.  When we are challenged by "that one" let it be to us a prompting to pray and ask THE ONE to be present in our lives, in our homes and in the hearts of each of our children (we will spend a lot of time praying :)

Do not lose heart dear mother.  You are not alone!

By faith Rahab was delivered from the destruction of Jericho because she believed in the power of the God of the Israelites.  Help me, O Lord, to have that same faith, the faith to stand firm even when the walls of life seem to be falling all around me.  Thank You that I can trust you with each member of my family knowing that your love for them and hope for their salvation is greater than mine.  Help me to remember that I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.  (Galatians 2:20).  For you are blessed now and ever and unto ages of ages.  Amen.

My Collapsible Child

The next "best" thing to a child going "boneless" is having one who is collapsible.  My older four year old is one of those.  Yep, that's him right there...the little brown one.  That is what he often looks like. When he is in a good mood he is the sweetest little person. He speaks with a raspy quiet voice and is very thoughtful.  People are impressed by his large vocabulary and he asks very abstract questions most four year olds don't think to ask ("what is under the road?"). 

And then it happens.  He asks to do something.  Perhaps he would like a snack 10 seconds after breakfast or to play outside in his underwear during a snow storm or to eat his younger brother's unfinished breakfast BEFORE said brother has had a chance to finish it.  When the answer is not in his favor he collapses.  He may do any number of variations of the collapsible child.  He may hit himself in the head or leg on the way down or lift his rear end into the air, not unlike the Lorax, to assure his tailbone receives the "benefit" of full impact upon completion of the collapse.  He may drop the toy or fork or snack he is currently holding...just open his hand while staring at me and drop it...then collapse. 


Yesterday at the store he decided to display his amazing abilities for an audience.  In that performance he decided to add his incredible vocal abilities in the hope of breaking every glass container in the store.  Have you ever played with GAK?  It's that mixture of water and corn starch that hardens when you pick it up but pours back into the bowl as a liquid when you relax your hand.  That was my son!  I couldn't quite pick him up.  He's already a "lift with your legs not with your

back" kind of kid...always a hunk of cuteness, but when he collapses he turns into one of those collapsible toys you press with your thumb and when you release it stands back up...except there is no release button for him. 

 

Who would want to put up with all this?  A mama would.  Mamas are superheroes!  My little guy has a raspy voice because he has screamed most of his life. Between myself and the foster mom he lived with first...70 children between us...he is the loudest child either of us has ever had.  He loves intense feelings so when he is happy he is over the top happy and when he is mad...the volcano is available to him with less than a moments notice.  He is funny and charming and crazy and OCD.  But he is mine :)  He is part of the blessing the Lord has chosen for our family.  Yes, I said blessing!  He is necessary for my salvation and I am necessary for his.  His behavior is teaching me so much about myself and helping me to cling that much tighter to my heavenly Father. 

You must make every effort to restrain yourself, so as not to acquire the unfortunate habit of losing your temper. This unbearable vice is not as noticeable in oneself as it is in others, and those who become angry over nothing are deserving of the fire of Gehenna. (St. Anthony)

O Holy Trinity, my child seems to be irritated with everyone and everything. Help me to know if, when, and how to correct my child during this time. Provide me with any insight that will help me to help him/her calm down and seek Your peace. Guide my words and actions, and help me not to try to control the situation but to submit it completely to You. For You are blessed, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

Another Kind of Fasting

Matthew 6:16-18
Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.  But you, when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face,  so that you do not appear to men to be fasting, but to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.

A few years ago I went to ask a blessing from a dear priest and he said, "You smile much, you must struggle much."  When we fast we are told to do it in secret and not as the Pharisees, who made sure everyone knew by their drawn faces.  Instead we are to wash our faces and put oil on our heads.  I always thought of this for physical fasting from food, but I think it pertains to the fasting we do from sorrow, despair, anger and annoyance.  

I would bet there are very few mothers out there who are never frustrated or overwhelmed.  Watching your child write with orange marker on a freshly painted wall or cut off all her hair the day before Easter so she looked like a cancer patient or going to wake up your children only to find they had been awake for some time and were happily painting the entire downstairs, including the carpet, the day after the carpets were cleaned, can certainly tempt us toward anger and frustration.  Looking at a dwindling bank account knowing that bills may not get paid or watching our children make poor choices can tempt us toward despair.  But God calls us to give of ourselves through prayer and fasting. 



One of my FAVORITE parts from Little Women is when Marmee shares an encouraging secret with Jo.  “I am angry nearly every day of my life, Jo; but I have learned not to show it; and I still hope to learn not to feel it, though it may take me another forty years to do so.” Although she is a fictional mama, her disclosure resonates with most of us.  Life is hard but God is good.  Each time we choose not to indulge in the deadly fruits of anger, sorrow, despair we are participating in a spiritual fast that will bear good fruit from which we are permitted to freely enjoy.

 

 Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Take note that mingled within the satisfying spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control is the fruit of longsuffering.  There is a joyfulness in choosing to partake of the sufferings of Christ. Let us deliberately fast from anger and despair, for our smiles and kindness are a sacrificial offering to Christ when we feel discouraged and overwhelmed. 

Fasting appears gloomy until one steps into its arena. But begin and you will see what light it brings after darkness, what freedom from bonds, what release after a burdensome life… -Saint Theophan the Recluse